An Amazing Man

Rosenstein, webcomic character

Lone Wolf notes in italics:

  Come one, come all to the Bio Event of the Year! My dear friend, the Mr. Lone Wolf, has commissioned me to write a “biography” to attach to the official website of his film. In all candor, it is Rufus who is writing this bio, as I dictate it to him, soaking in a hot tub with no less than eight beautiful women of barely the age of consent. I am a man of no fear and great hunger! Rufus has dropped his pencil, the great fool. The great lovely fool.

  I was born in New York, male scion and sole heir to a vast fortune. I have used that fortune to buy many cigars of rare quality, and to create films of dazzling scope. My first film was the family hit, Skategoat, about a goat wrongfully accused of killing his wife, forced to enter a professional skateboarding tournament to clear his name.

  NOWHERE IN THE RULES DOES IT SAY A GOAT CANNOT SKATEBOARD (true, I have read the skateboard rulebook!).

I know, I checked thousands of times during the making of this film. I do not want to let the Lone Wolf down with this bio. That would be like letting myself down. He is a kindred spirit, we are two hearts that beat as one (yes!), though in a masculine way, in the way of strong men. I will finish this off with what we call “bullet points” in the industry: I am not Jewish (thanks be to God), though many make that mistake. I have fathered several bastards (perhaps I am one????), but no true-born sons.

  When I’m not being the most powerful man in the world I am polishing my rubiks cube, chugging Wild Cherry Pepsi, or making Rufus eat saltine crackers to my satisfaction. I demand my satisfaction. The Lone Wolf is my very good friend.

  There are no words for what an amazing man this Rosenstein is. Except the words “amazing man” over and over again, in the intricate calligraphy script of the Orient.